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Who I am

I had no idea what I was doing in college. I was passionate and had so much energy but no guidance, mentoring or focus.  I remember that final summer after high school graduation I had gotten into another fight with my mother. For the life of me I don't remember what it was but I'm sure it was petty. What I do remember though is wiping my tears  and looking at my college admission packets over and over again. My grandma in the background telling me that everything would be okay and I would soon be leaving.

College to me was my first real love, my first taste of freedom and my first release. While in highschol and jr high I had expressed myself through various extracurricular activities;  the ease of involvement in college was like a drug I knew I wanted from an early age. I held on to that hope that  I would be free to explore and do the things that I never got to do at home.

First on the list was saving the world by majoring in international relations with a focus on war, peace and conflict resolution and not nursing like my mother had hoped. I loved the classes, my classmates and the class discussions. I joined the IR group, became obsessed with the Model United Nations.

Second was dancing. I had always wanted to dance. I remember when I was 14 and  got my first job, I looked into going to dance classes at a studio close to my work and was disappointed that I was too old to join. Oh but college, but college, that was not an issue. I joined the step team right away and became in love with every moment of it.

Next was to embrace and expand on my Pan African phlisophy. When I was not stepping, attending my academic extracurricular or with my boyfriend at the time, I was focusing on the African Student Association. I was there every single moment for every meeting helping out at every event. I was hooked. I found a community and fell in love.

To this day, I look fondly on those days  when our biggest worry was how we are going to handle the overflow of people coming to African night.

To this day, I feel like I have let many of those people down. I feel that I have not reached my potential and have fallen victim to American weakness and stupidity by airing out my dirty laundry, lack of success, and personal problems out for others to see.

Sometimes I feel like
I have failed
I have become a failure.

I question my path of redemption to the top, yet a voice asks quietly, what is there to be redeemed? you have lost nothing but fear.  You have gained strength. do not hesitate now. You have so much more to achieve. Your battles are over and your journey has just begun.

And so I stand  on the other side, wondering how do I explain who I really am to these people who have a false image of me based on what I presented? At 29, I am now becoming unequivocally honest,  real, shedding light to my dark sides. My vulnerabilities are here with me. Hoping to be accepted for who I truly am.


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