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Showing posts from 2018

Who I am

I had no idea what I was doing in college. I was passionate and had so much energy but no guidance, mentoring or focus.  I remember that final summer after high school graduation I had gotten into another fight with my mother. For the life of me I don't remember what it was but I'm sure it was petty. What I do remember though is wiping my tears  and looking at my college admission packets over and over again. My grandma in the background telling me that everything would be okay and I would soon be leaving.

College to me was my first real love, my first taste of freedom and my first release. While in highschol and jr high I had expressed myself through various extracurricular activities;  the ease of involvement in college was like a drug I knew I wanted from an early age. I held on to that hope that  I would be free to explore and do the things that I never got to do at home.

First on the list was saving the world by majoring in international relations with a focus on war, pe…

Healing

When I was in Liberia, I remember noticing that the vaccine for Malaria had side effects that seemed to be similar, if not more invasive than the symptoms of Malaria itself- fatigue, chills, dizziness etc.This short-term pain and discomfort is necessary for long term healing and is only temporary. That’s how I feel like with my life currently, I’m taking this vaccine of healing myself and my wounds. Through it, I’m experiencing side effects, but the healing will be so worth it. For me this looks like setting boundaries and cutting ties in unhealthy relationships which leads to backlash from toxic people. It feels like taking care of my body, through yoga, stretching, massages and acupuncture. It looks like saying no to things I thought I wanted to do to  in order to make yourself a priority. Healing feels uncertain, it feels vulnerable, doing things I have never done before. I am healing myself through metaphorically taking a chill pill, dealing with the short-term side effects of in…

I am not lying

When I first came out publicly about what happened to me, I was ostracized and re victimized by my Liberian community. That pain sometimes feels worse than what he did to me.

He started spreading a rumor that the reason I reported the assault and filed a restraining order was because I was mad he didn't take me out on valentines day.

And they believed him.

This is the part of the story where I begin to believe the lies that society tells me:
Society tells me  I did something stupid, I did something wrong.
Society tells me I chose to be around him. I agreed to enter into a relationship,
I texted him back, I joked around, I sent emoji s,

And because of that, because of emojis,   society tells me, I was asking for it, that what he did wasn't wrong.

What he did wasn't that bad.
Society tells me that I wasn't abused, because he didn't hit me. Society tells me that because it was a "relationship" rape cannot occur.

Society tells me that they need to see physic…

365

The end of 2016 and the beginning of 2017  was the  climax of the darkest part of my life. I was silent and  did not  admit to myself that these things were happening to me- I somehow had developed the notion that I  was shielded by abuse because of all my academic knowledge, career accolades and sheer bad ass progressiveness.   I was in denial of what was happening, I thought that I was not doing enough to please him  I had the best poker face and lived double lives to my friends and family members, never letting them in until it was “too late.”  I was insecure and had the notion that being paid attention to was being loved.  My entrepreneur spirit and desire for career success was manipulated and taken advantage of.

I was alone and he filled a void, and then used my insecurities to hurt me in the worst way possible. The support system I thought I had failed me miserably.


That's when I realized how alone I was.


Starting over

So this is a rant blog ( as they all are)

2017 has not treated me well. I had this weird idea that because I was turning 28 on the 28th, things would be golden *insert sparkles and glitter*

Ha. What a joke. Things have been worse than ever.

If you have been creeping on my Facebook, then you've probably seen the fiasco that is my personal life. While I would love to talk about it, I feel that it deserves a blog of it's own, so right now, I'm just going to give you the SparkNotes version.

I left a relationship in which I was abused in several ways (still dealing with court things so we aren't going to talk about it too much), I  got diagnosed with PTSD, and then quit everything: my job, my church,  my board member positions, my apartment, my car, my "friends" my family; basically anything that was toxic for me. I moved back to Minneapolis with an awesome friend and got a stress free brainless part time job to pay the bills. I dumped some abusive friends who w…